100 Funniest Things We've Read on a CV | Part 1 | Response

100 of the funniest things we have read on a CV: Part 1

100 funniest things in a CVAs you can imagine, here at Response we have seen thousands upon thousands of CVs over the years.

On the whole, most CVs are well laid out and give us enough information to decide whether that person is suitable for a role or not.

However, you can always hear a chuckle when a consultant opens a CV which contains something out of the ordinary.

From an amusing email address to ridiculous hobbies, we have compiled a list of our favourite 100 things from CVs that have made us chuckle over the past 10 years.

We have detailed the section of the CV and what people have written below.

As these are real life examples we have hidden the names to protect the innocent and the spelling mistakes have all been left in, so don’t blame us!

Part 1 and the first 50 are below, part 2 can be found here.

Funniest things we’ve read on a CV – Part 1

1.  ACHIEVEMENTS  – “I came first in the school long distance race”

2.  HOBBIES – “Horse rideing,like going pub when havent got my kids.looking after kids and doing stuff with them when they anit at school.”

3.  EMAIL ADDRESS – Lazysod@……

4.  ACHIEVEMENTS – “Being sober”

5.  ABOUT ME – “My favourite colour is Toupe, cos it rhymes with Dope”

6.  REASON FOR LEAVING – “It was hard work”

7.  PERSONAL PROFILE – “I be no stranger to double-entry. I loves numbers, and my wife and I loves journals and ledgers! Can also do tricky sums when I puts my mind to it. Computor litrate.”

8.  COVERING LETTER – “This is my CV I am intrested in any job opening use have avaiable if u could please send a vercation that you reciceved the email”

9.  PERSONAL PROFILE – “I do have convictions (drug offences) which are spent some 30 years ago for when I was 16-18 and have a caution for 4 years ago for criminal damage”

10.  HOBBIES – “Marital Arts” (Possibly meant martial arts?)

11.  KEY SKILLS – “Perfectionist with a keen I for details.”

12.  HOBBIES – “Space Travel”

13.  EMAIL ADDRESS – Batfacedgirl@………..

14.  EMPLOYMENT HISTORY –  “Whilst working in this role, I had intercourse with a variety of people”

15.  HOBBIES – “i like playing sport, which i fined gives me a winning appitite for life’”

16.  KEY SKILLS: “I would like to assure you that I am a hardly working person.”

17.  HOBBIES “enjoy cooking Chinese and Italians”

18.  JOB HISTORY – “Career break in 1999 to renovate my horse”

19.  SKILLS – “Fantastic ability in multi-tasting.”

20.  SIZE OF EMPLOYER: “Very tall, probably over 6’5″.”

21.  SKILLS – “Speak English and Spinach.”

22.  STRENGTHS – “Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.”

23.  SKILLS – “I have technical skills that will simply take your breath away.”

24.  MARITAL STATUS:– “Celibate”

25.  SKILLS – From an IT Engineer, “Have you tried turning it off and on again?”

26.  EMAIL ADDRESS – hotsexyluv@…….

27.  KEYS SKILLS – keeping family home clean, tidy and hygienaic undertaking basic DIY.operating domestic taskslike cleaning,washing,cooking.dealing with emerengencies smoothly.dealing with health issues,superivsing,supporting,guiding and organising children.

28.  CV GAP – Candidate explained his gap in employment by saying it was because he was getting over the death of his cat for 3 months!

29.  KEY SKILLS – “But wait…there’s more. You get all this business knowledge plus a grasp of marketing that is second nature.”

30.  PRINTED CV – Candidate sent over their CV printed on the back of their current employers headed company paper

31.  SKILLS“I can type without looking at thekeyboard.”

32.  JOB HISTORY – “Left last four jobs only because the managers were completely unreasonable”

33.  SKILLS – “I am a rabid typist”

34.  HOBBIES – “My interests include cooking dogs and interesting people”

35.  COVERING LETTER – “I am extremely loyal to my current employer….Feel free to ring my office if you are interested in my CV”

36.  KEY ACHIEVEMENTS – “Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”

37.  EDUCATION – “I am about to enrol on a Business and Finance Degree with the Open University. I feel that this qualification will prove detrimental to me for future success.”

38.  HOBBIES: “donating blood – 12 litres so far.”

39.  KEY SKILLS: “Quick lerner, good at mats amd speling”

40.  KEY ACHIEVEMENTS – “Oversight of entire department.”

41.  EDUCATION –  “University: August 1890 to May 1993”

42.  WORK EXPERIENCE –“ I’m working today in a furniture factory as a drawer”

43.  EMAIL ADDRESS – homeboy@……

44.  KEY SKILLS “I have extensive experience with foreign accents.”

45.  QUALIFICATIONS – “Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”

46.  COVER LETTER – “Please disregard the attached CV; it’s totally outdated”

47.  REASON FOR LEAVING – “After receiving advice from several different angels, I have decided to pursue a new line of work.”

48.  KEY SKILLS – “Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.”

49.  WORK EXPERIENCE – “Night stalker in Tesco”

50.  HOBBIES – “painting my toenails in varying colours”

Sign off

Thanks for reading; I hope you found some of these examples entertaining.

If you require any help with your CV, you can download our guide to supercharging your CV here.   

Find a further 50 funniest things we’ve read on a CV in part 2 – here.

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Randy
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Randy

I’ve actually seen, “Attention to detale.”

nige burr
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nige burr

I work part time with challenging teens who could have written any or all of these in their attempts at CV’s….

Doug Howard
Guest

Thanks for the good old belly laugh Nathan.
I’m only aonefinger myself so i enjoed the light relief.
regards Doug

Juan
Guest
Juan

Please disregard the attached CV; it’s totally outdated …
Really?

Brandi
Guest
Brandi

I had one candidate put last position: “call girl” (She actually made calls on behalf of a salesperson to set appointments)

Mary
Guest
Mary

I can’t believe there aren’t more comments! The most common mistake I see on resumes is actually from high level individuals who held various important positions such as “Principle Architect.” I do reply to as many as I can letting them know they probably meant “Principal” unless they were really architecting new fundamental truths or social mores. Another unusually common error is the abbreviation for “Analyst” that simply leaves off the “yst.” I could spend my whole day citing examples! There should be a funny interviewing blunders list too. I could compile a list of 50 on my own!

GeoffG
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GeoffG

On the other hand, you can submit a C.V. that is perfect in every detail and not receive any acknowledgement or follow up. In the “gold old days,” a company would thank you for submitting your application, even if you were not invited for an interview. Nowadays, you get absolutely no response. You don’t even know if they received it. I blame the ghastly people who call themselves “Human Resources Department” – usually just a bunch of fat, sweaty arm-pitted women faffing about trying to look important.

Henry Gutierrez
Guest
Henry Gutierrez

Why do you spell VITEA instead of VITAE?

Alibro
Guest
Alibro

GeoffG very true…. Imagine being as perfect as the recruiters 🙂

John
Guest
John

Brilliant, where’s 51 to 100?

Emma D
Guest
Emma D

A wonderful laugh. No doubt we’ve all had the odd typo in a covering letter but some of these are pure genius. If it is any consolation GeoffG, I always respond as an HR department. Recruitment agencies on the other hand have been particularly shocking and are getting worse for not responding!

Joseph Ray
Guest
Joseph Ray

Anyone notice that the article is titled “100 Funniest…” but only gives 50???

Alan
Guest
Alan

As Chief Engineer, I was reviewing CV’s.

For a Civil Engineer position: “I will be released from prison in about 3 months. I am hoping for a position with your company that will allow me to bring my mail order bride to this country from the *******.”

Ryan Lloyd
Guest
Ryan Lloyd

Great list! My personal favourite:

PERSONAL PROFILE – “I do have convictions (drug offences) which are spent some 30 years ago for when I was 16-18 and have a caution for 4 years ago for criminal damage”

the sentence construction along with the criminal offences really makes this person stand out from the crowd!

Do you have CV tips for handling details of criminal offences? Does it actually need to be declared on the CV?

KAngel
Guest
KAngel

I work at a job where all I do is look at resumes. ..this is sums up my work day haha

Lisa
Guest
Lisa

So true, loved the article ! I really liked SIZE OF EMPLOYER: “Very tall, probably over 6’5″.”Made me laugh, I always try to keep a straight face when these questions come up. ” Do you all have benefits ? my teeth are rotting can you smell em, or how soon can I take vacation? Or when they say { I probably shouldn’t tell you this but I smoked a joint on the way here} Will that show up on the drug screen? What about other drugs? The weirdest was a male nurse who kept staring at my high heels during… Read more »

alexk
Guest
alexk

histerrycul i luved evry wun ov theese fank u for makking mi dai!

Tim Power
Guest
Tim Power

Nathan, Many thanks for this, I have not laughed so much in a long time. However I cant help but point out to you that your 100 examples is only 50 strong. I feel cheated!!! Where are the rest???????

regards,

Tim.

Tim Power
Guest
Tim Power

Oops killed by the refresh!!!

I cant wait for second half!!!! :O)

I am totally cracking up here (read them again!!!)

Tim.

(Note to self: Check CV!!!)

Tim Power
Guest
Tim Power

Sorry Nathan,

You posted as I was writing!!!!

Tim.

Tim Power
Guest
Tim Power

@Lisa,

What a freak!!!!

Many years ago when I was an engineer I fixed a machine for a client. He asked us to ensure that he did not lose i=his photo collection on the machine which was a whopping 4.76 gb. What he did not tell us was they were all photos of feet, shoes and legs!!! I have never gotten over it!!!!!

Tim.

Marc Normanton
Guest
Marc Normanton

Hi Lisa, That’s made my morning! As a recruiter I’ve seen some ‘interesting’ additions to CV’s over the years; including: I’ve been out of work for the past 3 years due to the current government’s employment policies and the influx of foreign workers taking all the jobs. & I’ve spent the last 3 years killing pixilated Nazis. A colleague once picked up a CV that explained his career gap as: I was going through a difficult period in my life and tried to commit suicide. Unfortunately, I survived driving 50mph into a bridge, the unfortunate pedestrian did not and I… Read more »

SandyK
Guest
SandyK

Thank you for a good laugh…loving it .. will look forward to next weeks edition.

Jane Rolls
Guest
Jane Rolls

Hilarious, god I wished I had saved all the amazing & bizarre CV’s I have seen in my 20 years recruitment, like your’s, they would make a great book! The next book though would be ‘Excuses why candidates couldn’t attend the interview, were late or the Temp that didn’t turn up excuses!! You have given my day even more sunshine 🙂

Allan Armadale
Guest
Allan Armadale

GeoffG’s, comment no 7 makes a very valid point. There is a distinct lack of professionalism in the recruitment business. Personal examples for me recently. 1. An employer who made an offer then had to retract it since he did not have the authority to make the offer. 2. A VP who, after 8(eight) interviews and contract negotiations suddenly admitted he did not have sign off authority for the interim contract. 3. Many occasions when hiring managers and recruiters have agreed interviews and simply not turned up; on one occasion a face to face interview! 4. An unacceptable number of… Read more »

Elissa
Guest
Elissa

I had a CV that listed: 1993-1994 – Looking after my Near Dead Mother

Timothy P Stavert
Guest

This has inspired me to write a story on this subject. You could imagine this in a “Del Boy Trotter” sketch ha!

Ian Gordon
Guest
Ian Gordon

The worst sin I have ever known committed by a recruiter was some years ago, at an interview I went to, where the person with whom I had an appointment decided he would go and watch a new non-metal minesweeper being launched instead of attending my interview.

GeoffG
Guest
GeoffG

Todays world (the USA in particular) is so full of scammers and liars that I am very wary about e-mailing my CV to anyone. A case in point is Craigs List. They do warn you that the unknown e-mail recipient could well be in the affiliate marketing racket, hoping to make a commission of your job application, if succesful. Others could easily be identity thieves. What I did recently was to send a brief summary of my experience, with no info on address, phone number or dates, with the words “if you want to see my full CV (“Resume”), then… Read more »

Donna Q
Guest
Donna Q

This is my favourite ever opening line on a CV: ‘I am a blissful, funny and delightful person to work with’ ……………… erm, no! & then of course there was the applicant called Shaun whose preferred name was Susan, I had to think for a while who to address the regret to!

Simon
Guest
Simon

Very good. I remember a CV from a while ago. It was an application for a call centre role. It read: Previous Employment:- artificially inseminating turkeys. Reason for leaving:- on advice from doctor, having been repeatedly kicked in the groin by said turkeys.
Made me smile.

Mary Grael
Guest

you’ve made my day! 🙂

Jame Carter
Guest

Job applicants must realise that a CV is like a mirror. It reflects who they are, what they can do and creates a virtual perception of their potential.

Vanessa
Guest

My favorite thing is when they include a photo. (I’m in the US where photos are not required) It’s shocking what some people send me. Half naked middle-aged women, bejeweled cowgirl shirts, obviously drunk guys out with friends, seriously outdated head shots (like from the 80’s)…. Professional photos are so rare that when I see a jpg attached to an email I know it’s probably going to be entertaining!!

Bill
Guest
Bill

Lovely and funny. I can challenge that for laughs with a classroom classic by a boisterous female student, who when someone mentioned IN CLASS something about money, burst out with – ‘Throw a couple of dollars at me, and I am down on my knees”.

Si
Guest
Si

SKILLS – “I have technical skills that will simply take your breath away.”

Like strangulation?

sigmaphi
Guest

number one is really epic lool ACHIEVEMENTS – “I came first in the school long distance race”

this should be posted on facebook nigeria

Sarah
Guest

I feel uncomfortable seeing how amused you all are at people’s shortcomings. How intolerant you all are. Not everyone has had the benefit of a good education. Shame on you !!!!

Tania
Guest
Tania

Brilliant. I once received an application which began … “As a typical Capricorn…”

Reuben Prem Barnabas
Guest
Reuben Prem Barnabas

Waiting for part 2

Rebecca Welch
Guest
Rebecca Welch

Thank you for this, I am all by myself and laughing like a maniac. My favourite CV comment is nearly 20 years old now, but hasn’t been topped – the young man who listed his hobbies as “Football, canoeing and sex”. I was working for a Social Services Department at the time – he was applying for a job as a Care Assistant in a home for vulnerable young people!

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[…] Funniest things we’ve read in a CV – Part 2 Last week we listed the first 50 of the funniest things we’ve read in a CV which included someone listing an achievement as sober, another listed their skills as speaking […]

Natalee
Guest
Natalee

Spellcheck people!

Bill
Guest

Love it! Nice post Nathan!